meow

First Signs of Summer

Too hot for sheets

I wake up at dawn

and try to sleep again

but my body’s determined-

to let me know my day starts now

I hear the faint sound of your breathing

the sound of rubbing your feet together

a soft mumble, a position shift

for the heat is stifling now

I try and lay still for you

to not risk waking you

because that is love- 

at least right now. 

-MR

Train Tracks

Though August seems to close in like a freight train

I choose to stand on the tracks, hand in hand

and look at the blissful view the other way

because to face the impending collision,

the unimaginable pain of the unavoidable impact

may be a death sentence. 

But as long as I’m with You

even a death sentence can’t scare me

And in the meantime

Best to wait for the certain calamity to come

in bliss,

with You by my side.  

-MR

10:36 Monday

I look at the spaces between my fingers,

the missingness I feel in my heart

the lonely pang neatly represented by my hand’s outline,

the place where your hand isn’t-

longing for your touch,

your hand interlaced with mine,

but knowing I must wait until the new day.

Gently closing my fist

I think of you,

and wonder if you’re doing the same.

-MR

Car Troubles

I lost my keys, and You drove me home to get the spare. 

Still bitter at the disparity between my expectations for the night-

and the reality.

I refused to hold Your hand.

The stars we were looking at

-with Your friend who tagged along- 

seemed like dead and pointless balls of gas to me, 

Your efforts to keep me warm only provoked me more,

the friction of Your hands against my arms only fueled my fire

tonight I would tell you I loved You.

instead my ex was too friendly, 

and I got lost on my way to You, 

and Your friend tagged along,

and my car broke down

and I didn’t get home until 1 am

and You saw me cry. 

while I tried pushing You away,

You just patiently waited

until I was ready to receive Your affection,

waiting for my silent cue to hold my hand 

and let me know things would be okay

You drove me home to get my spare key, 

and stayed with me when the car wouldn’t start. 

and You bothered your family

and You bothered your friends 

and You wiped my tears. 

Just to make sure I got home safe. 

I’m still angry.

But I still love You.

1785.7 miles

1785.7 miles

the distance between me and  you

the agony in the thought destroys me

a day away from you hurts like the world

months deemed to purgatory

in a city of steel and people who steal

wallets, hearts,  souls.

without the protection of you

without your warmth to tell me it will work out 

without your lips to let me forget my pain

without you.

Knowing you could be with another

making her days brighten with your presence-

the way my days brighten

giving her the strenght she needs- I need. 

Because I can’t be there to make you okay

the void that cannot be left unfilled

because the pain is too much

my biggest fear is losing you to  1785.7 miles

Sunday

You said you loved me

or- were falling in love with me

or- were almost in love with me

it was hard to hear past the roaring in my ears,

the all consuming and overwhelming sense I get from being around you

intoxicated by your smile, touch, face, lips

every moment possessing finality,

that I just can’t let you go

because any moment could be the last,

and the possibility of an end scares me and brings me in closer

so that I might hope to become so close 

that any end would be an end to us both

so that neither of us would need to be alone. 

You said you might love me

and I love you back.

too afraid to speak the words

words that have never been told with any weight attached.

“I love you”

but I do.

Side note

“I had a dream I told you I loved you.

You slapped me, 

Then said it back”

current thoughts

as I sit here

waiting, waiting, waiting

waiting for you, trepedatious typing

of kind words- gentle reminders I’m still here

wanting, waiting, ready for loving

and I hope you feel the same

but don’t want to rush

because the pain, the pain would be too much

for me to bear to bring to you

kind eyes, soft words, loving touch

wanting, waiting, wishing for you. 

morning light

I watched you sleep

breathing

peaceful and placid

the dew of morning light working not to wake you

an occasional twitch

a dream making its presence known in the tangible world

I try to sleep, because I worry my watching will wake you

but through the blur of my eyelashes, 

the gentle smile rests happily on your face

you reach over, still asleep, and grab my waist

and I am happy